Thinking Jaywise Hiatus Update: Tattoo for the Immortal Beloved

Thinking Jaywise is still on hiatus, but I thought I'd submit an update on something I think of semi-importance:

*A Note on Tattoo Etiquette: Come on guys, this is my heart embedded into my skin, not some random design I made just for fun; show some respect. It only cheapens the design and disrespects the designer to steal a person’s tattoo without a second thought rather than getting one that’s important and personal to you. Before printing the image out to have it stencilled onto your own skin on a whim, consider the reasons behind the tattoo and what it means on a personal level.*

Just when I had made my today
Secure with safe yesterdays
I see tomorrow coming with its pale
glass star called hope.
It shatters on impact
And falls like splinters of cruel rain
And I see the red oil of life
running from my wrists
onto tomorrow's headlines.

- ‘Hope’, Spike Milligan

Well, here it is, my soul inked under my skin and the reasons behind it.

Given the recent events in my life, a lot of my friends – and not-so-friends – have jumped to conclusions as to the reason behind the design and misinterpreted my intentions. So here I am to settle the record as to the reasons why I now wear my heart on my arm.

For a few years now, I’ve always wanted to get tattooed.

The only trouble with the decision-making process for me was the what and the when. I had always wanted my tattoos to have some special significance, even if only I could interpret them in a certain way. Nothing annoys me more than someone who would imbed a memory beneath their skin that meant nothing to them other than the bottom of a tequila bottle or a pretty design ripped off DeviantArt without a single thought to the artist or the message behind the art. Not being one to merely flip through an artist’s portfolio and pick out something incredibly cliché and duplicated across the masses, such as a butterfly or a band logo or a Chinese character that means nothing more than “fried rice” when translated into English, I had developed a few designs and layouts for tattoos. The designs were either 100% of my own creation or a modified personalisation of several established designs, each representing some personal aspect of myself, whether it be religious beliefs, philosophies or aspirations.

The only problem now was what I intended to be done first, when and why.

One tattoo idea I had held in reserve for many years was a simplified modification of the wedding ring design from Baz Luhrmann’s movie adaptation of Romeo + Juliet. I had never really given the design much thought, just the flicker of a concept to have the design done upon some special event, such as the 10^th year anniversary of being with a future significant other, the initials of the star-crossed lovers replaced with our own. As I said earlier, I hadn’t given the idea much thought and pledged it to possible future plans.

Being the hopeless romantic, I had always hoped that my first tattoo, along with the point in time it would be preformed, the entire artistic process and the story behind the design, would represent the biggest part of myself. I had intended my first to be some reminder that I am human and nothing is forever or permanent - a little ironic if you care to think about it.

Had you asked me last year, I would have said I was the happiest I had ever been: I had a steady, solid relationship that fitted me perfectly with a person I adored, an adopted family I loved spending time with who constantly blew me away with how loving they were, a university degree that showed great promise, a very close group of friends who I spent time with frequently, the alien, new-found sense of confidence and independence rising in my gut and a sense that, after so many years of being alone and having nothing, I was leaving the unpleasant past, an unloving family and a desolate hometown behind me and finally escaping to a better life. I was healthy and, for the first time, truly happy.

But life is never predictable and all I had gained suddenly seemed to disintegrate all at once. I had adapted to having nothing. And, although frightening and insecure at first, I had adapted to having the promise of everything I could ever desire after never holding anything at all. But to have nothing to having everything, only to be stripped and have nothing once more – in fact, to have even less than before – is a hell that is worse than having the initial emptiness.

It feels unfair.

I'm loyal to those I care about, yet it's the promiscuous girl who cheats on her partner or has a string of drunken one-night stands that gets the mercy of a happy ending. I try to live as best I can as a person, yet I am alone it's the teenage ingrate with the petrol-sniffing habit that has the loving parents and a place to call home. I took to my work from a different angle because I hated how textbook the everyday faceless psychologist makes their practice and their clients, yet it is those who see their title as a prestigious cash-cow and clients as nothing more but case-studies with bank accounts - "Eww, a junkie? A kid with Autism? No thanks, I'll just take the case of nice, middle-class white teen with low to mild anxiety - as long as they're not gay, that is." - who actually get anywhere up the ladder. I poured my soul into a relationship I thought would last much more than just a few years, yet the person I love more than anything else ever to exist not only accuses me of being emotionally barren and not giving enough before walking away indifferently without a second thought or glance, taking everything I am with them. I say “I love you” and mean it, only to be told, “That’s nice sweetheart, but the feeling isn’t mutual and you were never a girl worth fighting for.”

Nice people finish last, love is not a cure-all and life is unfair. All I ever wanted was a place to belong and be safe, craving what I could never have as I watched others around me take for granted the luxuries they possessed that I had been stripped of. Not considered pretty enough for anything more than wanting a one night stand with, not interesting enough to take out for a coffee and not nice enough to introduce to anyone’s parents, fate hitting you in the face with an overdose of reality as your life crumbles away over a period of 12 months and you swan-dive head first into the concrete tends to leave you broken, empty and naked.

And so it happened that a completely different tattoo design altogether began to blossom within my mind, one that captured all I am at this point in time.

Ms. Jay Interpretation: Unrequited/Hollow Love

I wanted something that was simple, clean and honest, yet with enough passion to be a metaphorical heart on my sleeve. Although I am young and immature – and I’ll be the first one to admit that – I do know the difference between being in a relationship with someone for a few years because one loves or cares for the other person and the selfless devotion of being in love with someone completely. The former is selfish; the latter is selfless. The former will fade and fluctuate and be replaced with another; the latter is eternal. The former is based upon character or merit or action; the latter is unconditional and withstands all. The former is a common enough occurrence; the latter only happens once.

Although I don’t have the words to express the full meaning behind the design, below is a breakdown of some of the simple symbolism behind it. To me, the tattoo represents pure, true love that is unrequited and the painful emptiness that accompanies. This tattoo doesn’t just represent the person who broke my heart, but is also a reminder to myself and a word of caution to others that there is something broken here. It is a representation of my heart: open, vulnerable and bare, yet heavily guarded.

• “I Love Thee” Script: A simple, honest and naked message from the heart, without condition or reciprocation. Even after the time that has passed, despite all the pain, hurt and imperfection, the ideology behind the script has continued to reinforce itself daily.
• Blank Squares: The squares are hollow and empty, representing the hollow emptiness and vulnerability of a one-sided relationship where the love is not reciprocated. The thick black outline represents my belief that true love is monogamous and can only be established once in a lifetime: once a person truly loves and fully devotes themself to another, that love is reserved for that one person alone and cannot be granted to anyone else. In a way, it’s a reflection of my heart: enclosed and reserved, even if it is not reciprocated.
• Centre Square and Cross: The centre square is a symbol of pure love. The white cross and ‘&’ symbol detail (not featured in the final tattoo design) represent the bond established between two people formed by love, even if it is not mutually shared. The black background is not only symbolic of the hurt that may come from the complete devotion of pouring one’s self into a relationship, but also of the love that surpasses even death.

Dubs Interpretation: Pure & Open Love

Upon trying to explain my interpretation to Dubs, my favourite and ever-optimistic vegan friend replied that my interpretation was much too pessimistic and depressing for such a happy tattoo. He interpreted the design as a symbol of pure love. Here’s my arm according to Dubs:

• “I Love Thee” Script: An honest and very positive message from the heart.
• Blank Squares: The squares are of equal size and without direction, representing a mutual love of equal abundance between the two parties. According to Dubs, the squares are open, not empty, representing the openness between two lovers, whereas the black line work represents the bad things that may happen accompanying the relationship that two people share with each other and survive together. Despite the darkness that surrounds them, the two are still bonded to each other.
• Centre Square and Cross: The centre square, the cross and the black background are symbolic of the pure, unbreakable bond of a love that surpasses death.

Third Interpretation: Hope

This interpretation was provided by a few people who had given my design a quick glance that I thought worth mentioning:

• Blank Squares: The squares are blank to propose the hope that one day they will be filled, representing an open heart.

The only thing we ever truly have is the ground beneath the soles of our feet, and not even that is permanent or guaranteed. Over the last 12 months, I have been stripped and broken and reduced to nothing. I haven't a single thing to cling to now, except for what's in and under my own skin. To me, this tat carries all my pain, all my loss, all my heartache, all my love, all my anger and all my hope that has whelmed up over a lifetime.

So there it is, my tattoo and the symbolism behind it. It’s deliberately vague and nameless, whilst still being honest and meaningful.

If anyone else has completely different interpretation, I’d be interested to hear it.