Rap Isn’t Music

Status: Annoyed

Daily Quote: “I got my pecs, I got limos, I got bitches and all my limo's powered by bitch juice and my spare pecs are in the limo.” – Dylan Moran on Rap Music

Rap isn’t music.

Period.

I shouldn’t really have to elaborate on that statement, but some of you out there have the mental capacity of a burnt-out corn husk and therefore find illiterate, pompous arseholes repeatedly slurring and mispronouncing words like ‘gangta’, ‘nigga’ and ‘hoe’ not only entertaining, but resonating of musical talent.

It isn’t. And it doesn’t. And no, it doesn’t matter how far you turn the volume knob either, it’s a loosing battle.

I recently spent a few days in a car with three of my high school friends to celebrate the new year. And, unfortunately, the hours of Snoop Dogg, Ice Cube and other nonsensical pseudonyms reminded me why I usually take my own source of transport.

Now I respect most styles of music and give credit to artists when credit is due, even if I don’t personally like that particular genre or listen to the artist in question. (Prime example being Christina Aguilera: Talented singer, even if I don’t like pop and couldn’t actually name a song of hers besides Genie in a Bottle. Pity about the whole skank-wardrobe-era though.) And hell, I listen to some strange stuff myself – Flesh Eating Foundation’s Nightmare Before Christmas track has chainsaw sound effects –, but frankly, today’s rap is not music.

In fact, it’s not even real rap. Real rap from the golden age takes a back seat because it’s not as shiny or as controversial, whereas so-called ‘performers’ like 50 Cent are plastered on posters and television screens, groping their own crotches in the hopes no one will notice the lack of a bulge. These kids aren’t part of a gang in the middle of a ghetto, most of their self-proclaimed fame is fabricated and they probably suffer from severe erectile dysfunctions.

· Rap Has Too Much Exposure – Rap has a repetitive beat, so do a lot of electro-industrial tracks. The difference: rap is incredibly overrated and forced upon the general public who couldn’t care less. Not many members of the general public who aren’t fans of his work would even be aware of Chris Vrenna’s Tweaker projects, despite being famous for his collaborations with Nine Inch Nails and composing the soundtrack to American McGee’s Alice, and yet I remember a time when Eminem trash was played on mainstream radio airwaves. Iron Maiden performances are rarely played on television, even at a disgraceful hour – And yes, they do sing about things other than the number of the beast. Shock! – , yet indistinguishable rap video clips – albeit the ‘clean’ versions of them – are aired on free-to-view television with ‘ganstas’ wearing abnormally baggy pants hitched somewhere beneath their actual arse-cheeks flailing their stupid, nonsensical hand gestures while being surrounded by buxom ‘hoes’ in gold bikinis. I don’t shove Android Lust video clips in front of anyone’s face or blast out stranger's ears with Megadeth lyrics (well, not much…) and yet, in spite of my aversion from television and radio for the last few years, through some fresh hell, I can still name and recognise rap, quote unquote, ‘artists’.

· Rap is Overrated – After the September 11^th attacks, Matt Barlow, one of the greatest metal vocalist the world has ever known, decided to give up the rock star mantel to help in the ‘real world’, becoming a cop and performing metal shows for kids to teach them against drug use and intolerance. I hear Snoop Dogg has gold-plated guns. (Does anyone else see that as overcompensating for something? Or everything?) Iron Maiden still have packed out shows after decades of performing and will be remembered for their many hits long after they’re gone. Where’s Eminem when he’s fading into obscurity? While metal artists are drenched in sweat, passion and dedication, and while industrial artists DIY their own unique appearances to match their own unique DIY style of music, rappers seem to think that by wearing copious amounts of ‘bling’ on their limbs – and furthermore bastardising the English language by introducing the word ‘bling’ into everyday speech –, wearing their mostly fictional drug-use on their metaphorical sleeves and parading their multi-million dollar possessions to prove their worth will somehow show the world they’re extra special and certainly better than the rest of us, while at the same time distracting the general public from realising they do nothing more than drone in a slurring monotone when ‘performing’. Sprinkle a bit of glitter on shit and it’s still a reeking piece of shit.

· Rap Relies on Controversy Rather than Talent – The Dethalbum, performed by virtual band Dethklok, was released internationally due to the awesome success of the show, which hinged upon the fantastic musical talents of Brendon Small. Matt Barlow’s voice ranges four octaves. Shredding is such an art form that people air guitar all the time and become addicts to Guitar Hero (Don’t see anyone making a Wii franchise that involves grabbing your crotch and wearing a gauche gold chain around your neck, do you?). Years of practice and dedication gets poured into most musical styles, and, particularly in the case of metal, every band member has their own part to play, achieving their status through actual talent. So why is a lanky ‘gansta’ more popular among the young, stupid and the really-you’ve-got-to-be-kidding-me stupid? Simple: Why depend on talent when you can just swear and write about your cock to a repetitive 5 second beat loop? If the words ‘motherfucker’, ‘nigga’, ‘bitch’, ‘gun’, ‘pussy’, ‘gansta’, ‘shit’, ‘fuck’, ‘hoe’ and their derivatives or variations were cut out of ‘rap music’, as well as all slang terms for penis, 97% of each track would be obsolete. And while ‘hardcore’ kids memorise these lyrics as true sign of rebellion against their middle-class white parents with their white-picket fence and private school education, they fail to realise that this nonsensical babble is all spoken in a monotone – and in Snoop Dogg’s case, nasal and highly annoying – drawl. Relying on the word ‘motherfucker’ repeated 7 times in a period of 20 seconds is not talent, it’s lazy, pathetic and try-hard. Know why every other genre seems to get tributes or covers and yet no one ever covers rap tracks? Because scraping nails on a chalkboard requires more ingenuity and skill than the construction of rap lyrics.

· Rap Doesn’t Have a Meaning – Continuing on from the overuse of swearing in rap, lyrics to rap tracks don’t actually mean anything. I don’t know any other genre of music that is so stilted in originality. No political comments, no songs on pure love and painful loss, no lyric concerning everyday life or environmental issues. Hell, they don’t even do concept albums about things as trivial as comic series or television shows or famous icons. Honestly, if you have to boast that much about your penis and your abilities to please your ‘hoe’, you obviously can’t get laid and are overcompensating so no one knows about your solo 10 second hand-parties at night. And furthermore, the only reason I can think of why so many rappers talk about ‘hoes’ and ‘loose pussy’ is because the only times they do get laid are when they pay for it from cheap hookers who won’t laugh at their poor performance. These kids have never shot anyone, never called a cop a ‘pig’ to their face and flaunt their ‘hardcore drug use’ as a means to try and compensate for their lack of desirable personality traits. My left breast is more hardcore, has achieved more and probably even more manly than most rappers today boasting about their balls.

So there you have it.

Rap isn’t music.

Or, in a language even the pitiful fans of this trash will be able to understand:

Yo’ rap ain’t shit.

Bi-atch.