ChangeStatus: Indifference.
Current Music: 'Cemetary Gates' by The Smiths
Change is imminent.
As much as we would like to believe that hope is stable, that justice exists, that love is eternal and that perseverance, will power and dedication will be rewarded, reality has the tendency to bitch-slap the kind-hearted, innately nice somebody in the face before strapping them down and peeling their eyes open to watch back to back reruns of The Simple Life, just to remind us all that life is never fair.
Babies die, kids get cancer, people lie, rape victims live out the rest of their lives as empty shells while the perpetrators seem to get away with no emotional scars at all, wars rob innocent people of their sanity, hearts get thrown away on a daily basis and people like Angelina Jolie continue to adopt children to add to her baby collection.
Over the last year an a half, a lot of things have changed for me, both within my control and beyond my reach.
I renounced my faith in God, a faith that spanned for two decades. The person I loved and still love with all my heart completely disregarded my opinions and used me for his own sexual gratification, leaving me after years because he didn’t deem me worthy of an apology. The degree that was so concrete and easy was suddenly swept from beneath my feet when the toll of personal events because too much and the School of Psychology decided it be best I only work on a part time contracted basis until the worst of the traumatic experiences were addressed and overcome. A stupid mistake blew up in my face, leaving me with no car or assets. My mother has been in and out of hospital and is currently in intensive care, without any sign of when she will be coming back. And right at this moment, I have no motivation to make any long term goals for the future – mainly because I don’t see myself wanting to survive that long.
This year, it seems it’s been a process of picking up the pieces of a shattered life. I don’t have a family to fall back on. I don’t have a partner for support. I don’t have a career path to be proud of at this point. My life seems to revolve around psychologists and doctor’s notes and pretty round pills that look like m&m minis and arguing with government agencies and lawyers for constantly fucking up my paperwork on a weekly basis and trying to prove myself worthy of just a little kindness and respect, flailing in a great big pit as more and more shit gets shovelled in on a daily basis. It seems being the nice, quiet, no-bullshit friend in the background doesn’t get you a thing, while being a nagging, whining, demanding bitch of sexual manipulation gets you everything. After all, if someone’s nice most of the time, it’s not all that remarkable if they’re being safe and nice right now.
I’m caught between my morals and character and what society respects and rewards. Sure, it’s nice being the friend or casual acquaintance people go to for advice about problems with their partner or just to play some video games with a cheese pizza and a six pack on the side. I don’t want people babying me or trying to win me over purely with material things or completely hollow compliments. I don’t get particularly upset when I’m not invited to things because I’m too casual or blown off by a friend for a random hook up. When my own father forgot my 21st birthday, I didn’t even shed a tear. I'm like a puppy in the way that if you give me a smile, I'll give you my everything because that's all I ever wanted. But shouldn’t all that mean you’re worth more respect than someone who is manipulating, selfish and hurtful? Sure, I don’t make a big deal out of being hurt or annoyed or upset, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel it. It hurts when people I care about blow me off for something trivial. It hurts when a friend had a dinner that I wasn’t invited to because it was formal and I wouldn’t fit in and they “thought [I] wouldn’t mind”. It hurts when the person I love uses me and then refuses to even acknowledge it even happened, despite all the painful aftermath.
I’m so sick of being forgotten just because I should be use to it by now. If being nice and forgiving and unwaveringly devoted and content and down-to-earth gets you absolutely nowhere, then what’s the point?
Shit happens. No matter how much time and effort and love and hope and faith and dedication you pour into things, sometimes shit just happens. A lot of the fucking time, your best isn’t anywhere near enough, no matter what Oprah Winfrey tells you. The idea that your past and present doesn’t affect your future is bullshit. Truth is we’re all born into a pressure cooker, where we have to deal with whatever bullshit life flings at us. There’s no clean slate; the world was revolving long before you were born and it’ll continue to spin on its axis long after you’re forgotten and rotting in your grave. Sometimes you get those fucking arseholes who have everything sweet, but still want more and will trade their diamonds for ice cubes. And then you have people born with nothing, and whether it be fate or society or some other cosmic force of royal fuckery, something decides that isn’t enough and strips them of their skin too.
Sure, people will argue that this mentality is pessimistic and the reason why this world is such a god-awful dog-eat-dog place. But I disagree. I’m not being negative, I’m being realistic. Sometimes people are just put into positions where the deck is already rigged and all they can do is watch it fall apart. Some people just aren’t made to be happy. To gain something, you have to be willing to sell yourself, it seems. How much are you worth? Are you worth selling your dignity and self-respect for instant gratification? Or are you going to hold on to an innocent pipedream, regardless of how many hard knocks you get? I personally don’t see myself ever being happy. I see myself being smart enough and wealthy enough to live comfortably, to have some lack-lustre career where I stomp on other people to get my pay check. But I don’t see a fulfilling, happy, content future there. What's the point in being wealthy if it's at the expense of other people's desperation? What's the point of creating a life for yourself if you're going to be living it alone?
And if that’s how it is, then I’m not sure I want a future like that. I don’t want this place where I am completely disposable and unlovable. In fact, the only thing keeping me here is that I haven't given my big "fuck you" to the planet yet.
It’s either the world is wrong or it’s me. And here, majority rules, even if it’s completely and utterly fucked up.
So one day, some day, I’m going to bail. Not today, not tomorrow, but some day soon.
But what do you care?
You’re all going to hell anyway.
Current Music: 'Cemetary Gates' by The Smiths
Change is imminent.
As much as we would like to believe that hope is stable, that justice exists, that love is eternal and that perseverance, will power and dedication will be rewarded, reality has the tendency to bitch-slap the kind-hearted, innately nice somebody in the face before strapping them down and peeling their eyes open to watch back to back reruns of The Simple Life, just to remind us all that life is never fair.
Babies die, kids get cancer, people lie, rape victims live out the rest of their lives as empty shells while the perpetrators seem to get away with no emotional scars at all, wars rob innocent people of their sanity, hearts get thrown away on a daily basis and people like Angelina Jolie continue to adopt children to add to her baby collection.
Over the last year an a half, a lot of things have changed for me, both within my control and beyond my reach.
I renounced my faith in God, a faith that spanned for two decades. The person I loved and still love with all my heart completely disregarded my opinions and used me for his own sexual gratification, leaving me after years because he didn’t deem me worthy of an apology. The degree that was so concrete and easy was suddenly swept from beneath my feet when the toll of personal events because too much and the School of Psychology decided it be best I only work on a part time contracted basis until the worst of the traumatic experiences were addressed and overcome. A stupid mistake blew up in my face, leaving me with no car or assets. My mother has been in and out of hospital and is currently in intensive care, without any sign of when she will be coming back. And right at this moment, I have no motivation to make any long term goals for the future – mainly because I don’t see myself wanting to survive that long.
This year, it seems it’s been a process of picking up the pieces of a shattered life. I don’t have a family to fall back on. I don’t have a partner for support. I don’t have a career path to be proud of at this point. My life seems to revolve around psychologists and doctor’s notes and pretty round pills that look like m&m minis and arguing with government agencies and lawyers for constantly fucking up my paperwork on a weekly basis and trying to prove myself worthy of just a little kindness and respect, flailing in a great big pit as more and more shit gets shovelled in on a daily basis. It seems being the nice, quiet, no-bullshit friend in the background doesn’t get you a thing, while being a nagging, whining, demanding bitch of sexual manipulation gets you everything. After all, if someone’s nice most of the time, it’s not all that remarkable if they’re being safe and nice right now.
I’m caught between my morals and character and what society respects and rewards. Sure, it’s nice being the friend or casual acquaintance people go to for advice about problems with their partner or just to play some video games with a cheese pizza and a six pack on the side. I don’t want people babying me or trying to win me over purely with material things or completely hollow compliments. I don’t get particularly upset when I’m not invited to things because I’m too casual or blown off by a friend for a random hook up. When my own father forgot my 21st birthday, I didn’t even shed a tear. I'm like a puppy in the way that if you give me a smile, I'll give you my everything because that's all I ever wanted. But shouldn’t all that mean you’re worth more respect than someone who is manipulating, selfish and hurtful? Sure, I don’t make a big deal out of being hurt or annoyed or upset, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel it. It hurts when people I care about blow me off for something trivial. It hurts when a friend had a dinner that I wasn’t invited to because it was formal and I wouldn’t fit in and they “thought [I] wouldn’t mind”. It hurts when the person I love uses me and then refuses to even acknowledge it even happened, despite all the painful aftermath.
I’m so sick of being forgotten just because I should be use to it by now. If being nice and forgiving and unwaveringly devoted and content and down-to-earth gets you absolutely nowhere, then what’s the point?
Shit happens. No matter how much time and effort and love and hope and faith and dedication you pour into things, sometimes shit just happens. A lot of the fucking time, your best isn’t anywhere near enough, no matter what Oprah Winfrey tells you. The idea that your past and present doesn’t affect your future is bullshit. Truth is we’re all born into a pressure cooker, where we have to deal with whatever bullshit life flings at us. There’s no clean slate; the world was revolving long before you were born and it’ll continue to spin on its axis long after you’re forgotten and rotting in your grave. Sometimes you get those fucking arseholes who have everything sweet, but still want more and will trade their diamonds for ice cubes. And then you have people born with nothing, and whether it be fate or society or some other cosmic force of royal fuckery, something decides that isn’t enough and strips them of their skin too.
Sure, people will argue that this mentality is pessimistic and the reason why this world is such a god-awful dog-eat-dog place. But I disagree. I’m not being negative, I’m being realistic. Sometimes people are just put into positions where the deck is already rigged and all they can do is watch it fall apart. Some people just aren’t made to be happy. To gain something, you have to be willing to sell yourself, it seems. How much are you worth? Are you worth selling your dignity and self-respect for instant gratification? Or are you going to hold on to an innocent pipedream, regardless of how many hard knocks you get? I personally don’t see myself ever being happy. I see myself being smart enough and wealthy enough to live comfortably, to have some lack-lustre career where I stomp on other people to get my pay check. But I don’t see a fulfilling, happy, content future there. What's the point in being wealthy if it's at the expense of other people's desperation? What's the point of creating a life for yourself if you're going to be living it alone?
And if that’s how it is, then I’m not sure I want a future like that. I don’t want this place where I am completely disposable and unlovable. In fact, the only thing keeping me here is that I haven't given my big "fuck you" to the planet yet.
It’s either the world is wrong or it’s me. And here, majority rules, even if it’s completely and utterly fucked up.
So one day, some day, I’m going to bail. Not today, not tomorrow, but some day soon.
But what do you care?
You’re all going to hell anyway.
