In my opinion, when it comes to democracy, most Australian elections are full of bollocks. But never before has South Park’s “douche & turd” analogy been more fitting than this year’s choice between Gillard and Abbott. Because seriously, who else had this image going through their mind when they stepped up to that little booth to vote?
Ok, so we know they're both puppets, but election buzz phrases like aside - if I hear the phrase "moving forward" one more time, I think I'll puke - , did either Gillard or Abbott actually put forward a single policy worth mentioning? Did either major party confront any big issues to sway our love? Come on, we're Australians, it's not like it's all that hard to swing our vote.
From what I can tell from my short-lived experience with politics, Australian politics runs a little like this:
One party steps up and says, “You don’t like us and we don’t like you. We’re not going to give you as many hand outs or kiss as much arse. What we are going to do is leash up your economy so that by the time you forget why you voted us into power, this country will at least have enough cash horded up to somewhat compensate for our replacement’s excessive spending and debt.”
Years pass, enough rednecks complain about not having enough fun or getting enough of a bonus in their welfare check for that new fully-sick 50 inch plasma, and the opposition party steps up. The opposition claims to be the voice of Australia – that is, if the majority of Australians were hooked on Centrelink handouts. They promise hand outs and one hell of a good time, something that those tight-arses in power would never let you have. Forgetting that no hand out is free and suck ups in power is usually a bad idea, people start to dig this party’s hollow policies of extra red pencils for primary school students while university students get less support than dole bludgers. Out with the old party, in with the new. Dollars from the country’s kitty get thrown into the air or set on fire to light cigars with, a big slap in the face for anyone who actually pays taxes.
Years pass and, like inexperienced teenagers praying to the porcelain god at 4am after a 3 week drinking binge, the public begin to realise there’s a reason why daddy won’t let us drink vodka at lunch time. Sure, it was fun, but now all you’re left with is $35.50 in your savings account and a fake number on a napkin from that girl you met who lied and said she’d love to catch up again sometime for coffee.
Election time rolls around again and the not-so-fun party we kicked out is smelling like roses now as they tower above you in their tailored suits, sour-faced and arms-crossed with that scowl that says: “And what time do you call this, young man?” They offer us a proposition. Nothing fun, nothing fancy, just that they might clean the vomit off your chin and hold on to your cash for as long as they can until you forget just why they’re there. We nod, just a little too hung over to care, and make our mark on that voting ballot in the hopes for some aspirin as soon as we can stumble out of the booth.
So as for this year's election, I don't think I particularly care whether the giant douche or the turd sandwich got in. It'd just be nice to know without hearing jokes about the parliament being hung by equestrian properitons.
As for me? I voted the Australian Sex Party. I liked their policies before, but after seeing this clip, the stupidity of the Family First Party sealed my vote. Thanks Wendy!
